True, women still cannot have it all

True, women still cannot have it all

I was reading an interview of Indra K. Nooyi, CEO of PepsiCo, in which she spoke about balancing career and motherhood. I wondered if all mothers go through the same dilemma -- no matter what zenith a woman has reached in her career.

“Why women still cannot have it all. We pretend we have it all. And every day you have to make a decision about whether you are going to be a wife or a mother, in fact many times during the day you have to make those decisions. And you have to co-opt a lot of people to help you. We co-opted our families to help us. We plan our lives meticulously so we can be decent parents. But if you ask our daughters, I'm not sure they will say that I've been a good mom. I'm not sure,” Nooyi said.

A girl child is taught she is equal to her fellow boys in all ways. Girls also outdo boys in many fields till education is completed. Till then, all seems to be well.  

The first obstacle comes when a girl is of marriageable age. No girl wants to leave her blossoming career at that point. Marriage changes a lot of things but only the lucky ones can continue the same way with the support of the new family.

A recent census data showed some shocking information. It said nearly 160 million women in India -- 88% of which are of working age, which is between 15 to 59 years -- just remain at home doing "household duties".  Note that these are women who reported themselves as 'not working'. All the other women who work, whether full time or part time, also do domestic work. But these 16 crore are the Great Invisible Workforce, primarily involved in care work and rearing families. The total number of women in the age group of 15-59 years, according to Census data released earlier, is just under 355 million. What the latest data shows is that about 45% of them, or nearly half, are confined solely to domestic duties.
Then comes the pressure to conceive when women are generally at the peak of their career. Some unwillingly give in to the pressure and some consciously opt for motherhood as the biological clock seems to be ticking away. Others prefer to remain a DINKS (double income no kids) couple. For those who give in, dilemma is in store for them at every step. Those who are fit enough continue working till the last month and then take maternity leave. Others have to take long leave due to health issues (sometimes it is without pay). Many even quit thinking that’s the priority in life at that point of time.

And then comes the heavy responsibility of motherhood. You are lucky if you have an extended family in the same city. Your maid becomes your right and left hand, and their ‘nakhras’ are endless. If you have no support system, then you have to go hunting for good day care centres. If some day your child falls ill and you cannot manage an off -- which often happens -- then you die of guilt.

If you have to go outstation for an official trip then it’s too much of headache –your day care centre refuses to support you, no relative can come to give a helping hand, your husband cannot take leave and at the same time you cannot say ‘No’ to the trip. And after managing a whole lot of things somehow, your child sulks when you come back: “Mom you were not there”.

Even Nooyi said, “You know, you have to cope, because you die with guilt. You just die with guilt. My observation, is that the biological clock and the career clock are in total conflict with each other. Total, complete conflict. When you have to have kids you have to build your career. Just as you're rising to middle management your kids need you because they're teenagers, they need you for the teenage years. And that's the time your husband becomes a teenager too, so he needs you (laughing). They need you too. What do you do? And as you grow even more, your parents need you because they're aging. So we're screwed. We have no ... we cannot have it all. Do you know what? Coping mechanisms. Train people at work. Train your family to be your extended family.”

After trying to be the super woman for too long, many quit their successful careers and only the ambitious ones hold the fort. Those who give up go into an almost depression mode because of an ‘identity crisis’.